Thursday, 7th of April, 2016

As I sat in reflection, I knew I had been a tsunami this week. I could feel this powerful force that can create havoc and wash everything away. Mostly I analogize with fire when I am like this, but this morning, there was a giant wave, a wave that rolls in and gushes through a landscape. With great fluidity a massive “Whoooooshhh” came from me. It was intense and I realized, “Oh I might have just wiped something out.” Clear imaginings of things being uprooted and other things breaking down ensued and all that shouldn’t be was being destroyed, but not with fire, with water. Tsunami really can change a landscape, and I felt that was what I was doing. Changing the landscape of life.

The intensity of all the truth talk was opening me, I could feel my chakras playing like music up and down my spine, as if they were keys on a body piano. My heart was very open, and beating out love vibrations, and my root was feeling sharp, like a light beam straight into the earth. My throat was in tune and expressive, “La la la.” My crown was pulsating, high and fast. My third eye had a rhythmic tinkle, and I was happy with the mind depth, but as I listened closer to each key, I could tell my my solar plexus and sacral charka were a little shaky, and out of tempo.

In my mind, I had been visualising the women I was trying to reach with my ethical conscious, I could see them in their lovely office in London, reading my words, and I felt for their heart and perhaps a sense of self wavering. I wanted them to know, it was not about them personally, but about what society has set up as a collective. I am not ignorant to people’s feelings, but we all have to be responsible as individuals, and we must stop and take a closer look at what we are creating. I wanted the honesty to work for them, to peel away some layers, because I know first hand that you can receive brutal honesty from a place of love – and all you have to do is love yourself and handle it wisely.

One day, when I was in Acorn Toy Shop a women I really admire and I were talking about life. I look up to this woman for a few reasons, she is an artist, she is amazing with children, and has a worldly wise presence. This particular conversation was about the work the girls and I did for children’s fashion. She has been following me on instagram for a long time, and said to me in a really honest way. “I feel a little sorry for the girls.” I was surprised she was so straight forward. She had looked me in the eye and basically told me it just didn’t feel right to her that my girls modeled so many clothes, and that I took so many photos of them. I stood there composed, feeling her truth. I knew the intent was good, I could see it came from her heart, and it wasn’t jealous, or unkind, or mean, it was just her truth. It was a bee sting for me. “Ouch!” So much of my identity was tied into this mode with the girls modeling clothes and me taking photos. The truth is that a bee sting can be good, and so I did not let my ego get upset by it. I appreciate this women, and I let it sink into my heart and then into my gut. I heard her, and I processed those words for weeks. In the end, I knew it was exactly what I needed to hear, I believed the same thing myself, and her words had helped me evolve. I reached a place where I respected her more, and it was one of those lessons that something that gouges, can be good for us in the long run, if we process it positively. Truth can be uncomfortable, and it can rattle us when people are honest, but if you trust in the universe, and trust in yourself too, it can help you. You will either know deep down inside that you agree with them, or you will know deep down inside that you don’t agree with them. Soul work can be confronting, it can shake your insides up, but gosh, we have to be thankful for that.

It is a simple concept, that whatever depth you submerge yourself in soemthing, depending how much energy you equate, will equal that which pours out. I had submerged myself completely in children’s fashion and instagram, and a lot had come out. As Archimedes explains through mathematics:

Any object, wholly or partially immersed in a fluid, is buoyed up by a force equal to the weight of the fluid displaced by the object.

— Archimedes of Syracuse

Everything I have shared the past few days, all the expression was stirring up my body points of wisdom, power, and creativity, and the energy that was rising needed to be directed and used in the best possible way. I needed to grow. I took the stomach swirls as an opportunity to become stronger, to increase my force and so my morning began with cultivating power on another plane. My body needed some work. I had to address the physical to balance out the spiritual. The internal and external collective energy have to be cohesive in order to grow. Deeper, wider, higher. Expand.

I had relied heavily on my gut feelings to access my truth, and today, there was some chaos from making myself walk to an edge. It is perhaps a similar feeling that people describe as anxious, but I tend to address these feelings in a holistic way, of what I need, what good can come from the feelings, rather than what is wrong. “I need to feel strong.” is a wonderful thing to say to yourself when you feel unsettled or distended. There were times in my life when I have have felt what I thought was anxiety and then I realised that was not what I wanted in my life and so I decided that the feelings were there to guide me on my best path and now I know when I get feelings in my tummy, I say, “This is my cue for self activation!” I think a lot of people could benefit from lessons in deciphering their internal energetics. Now I use the gut feelings as my guide so that I can actually avoid anxiety. If I feel my gut energy is choppy and dispersing, I do something to bring myself back together. The something could be almost anything, but when I need strength in my solar plexus and sacral charka, sometimes the answer is to get physical.

Out of bed I hopped, to do some sit ups. I have found over the years, that plain old sit ups, do a lot to fortify the core. It is such a simple way to mesh inner strength. Harnessing those loose energetic feelings that have been stretched by things I have said and done need to be solidified into muscle. It really helps ground the soul back into the body. Courage to speak up and out, literally makes you stronger and fitter. Body and soul strength go hand in hand so nicely.

20 sit ups, some breath of fire, forward bends, a shoulder stand, a few downwards dogs and off I go again. Feeling Fit.

Elle likes to stretch with me, and this morning, each sit up was punctuated with a kiss. Sitting on my feet, she had her kissy lips ready and waiting. “One, kiss, two, kiss, three, kiss…” Up and down I counted the crunches with Elle’s sweet love rewarding my efforts with a kiss at each sit up. “Can we do downward dog next?” She asked. This involved kisses too. Let’s just say she is a very loving exercise partner. Besides  the mama love, I have her lay along my back and stand on my thighs to deepen the stretches.

I really needed that body self-development to go along with my soul work – funny to think of sit ups as necessary component for whole being development, but they can be.

Cam had been away for 10 days and I had worked hard with the girls (and myself) while he was in California. It was a bit of a tempest yesterday with both the I Love Truthpaste, and I Love Gorgeous posts being out in the world. (Isn’t that a funny co-incidence that two “I Love” companies fell back to back) Anyway, following that big release, I had to drive to Newark International Airport to collect Cam from his business trip to the west coast. Tiredness had crept in because it was 8pm at night which is my bedtime, and it has been a long life! When I am this tired it is so much more than a days worth, it is, “Wow, I have been living forever!” The girls were being very silly excited, and sadly I had used up all my energy cooking food, doing laundry, making beds, vacuuming, mandating school work, and fighting for the good, and I did not have a lot of jovial spirit left. I did my best to just listen quietly to their enthusiasm, and not dampen their spirits by wanting them to be calm and quiet. They were being so rowdy and happy. Maya was doing a “Go Daddy, Go Daddy” Dance in the back seat, which involves jiving with her arms circulating in the air. Elle was joining in, but she was strapped in her five point harness car seat tightly so her movement had a different flair. “Ok, I can do this!” I said psyching myself up for a night drive through a part of Jersey that I do not love.

The girls chatted the whole way. Each time we stopped at a traffic light, Elle was noting the world around us. “I just saw a lady looking at photos of herself on her phone while she was driving.” Elle said like it was a very funny thing. Glancing at the driver slowing next to us I could see that she was looking at her phone. I had to have my eyes on the road in front of us but Elle was being an eagle, looking very closely in all directions. She continued her reports. “I just saw a lady trip on the sidewalk because she was talking on facetime.” A smile spread across my face. There seemed to be a moral theme, of monitoring people on their devices. “Well isn’t that interesting, two people doing things on their phones when they should probably be concentrating on something more important, like walking and driving.” I said. Isn’t it wonderful that parenting never stops, any time of day, anywhere.

Around about this time, I took a wrong turn and started to feel lost. We were getting close to the airport, which is a sprawling mass, and suddenly I felt like I was driving in a bowl of spaghetti, all the roads were twisting and turning over, under and around each other and the GPS was getting confused. Ok, I was the one getting confused, and then I was getting upset with the GPS. “Oh GPS, please tell me the right way!” I begged to the screen. It is an old GPS, and not so accurate when roads are very close together. “Recalculating” it kept saying. I kept driving on spaghetti loops and then before long we were late to meet Cam’s plane. I was getting progressively upset that I was lost and late. “Ah, late and lost are my two worst things!” I cried out to the girls. I really do not cope well with the lost and late combo.

I pulled the car over to the side of the road and I started crying pathetically. “I am lost!” I picked up the phone and called Cam who was off the plane now and waiting for us outside. He had missed us so very much, I had wanted it to be a lovely homecoming. I had even packed him a meal in the canister to keep warm, in case he was hungry after the long flight. The scenario that was unfolding was not what anyone wanted. Like a blubbering mess I cried into the phone, “I am lost, and I can’t get to terminal C.” My husband who a moment ago was excitedly waiting for us at terminal C sounded a little annoyed. “What do you want me to do?” Cam said. “I want to you to fix google maps on my phone so it works again.” I sobbed pathetically. “What, so this is my fault?” Cam said to me in a tight voice. “No, but I did ask you to fix it! And now I am telling you again so you know exactly how much I need it.”

I am not sure why I can’t fix google maps by myself. Sometimes I just choose to be dumb and not figure something I am not interested in knowing out. I tend to rely very heavily on Cam to set up and sort out devices.

It was one of those awful situations, where I was worn out from mothering and homeschooling and loving the earth, and life without Cam for 10 days was coming to an end, and I just cracked. I was thinking of all the single mamas out there, my own included, and I said a little prayer for their strength. I could see the road to Terminal C, but I just could not find the way to get to it. Well, like with all of these situations, when the storm passed, I breathed off the emotion, and I took hold of the wheel and off we went again. My children were my very best helpers, “It’s ok Mummy, we will get there.” Maya consoled. “You are doing a good job Mummy.” Elle added. Gosh, did I feel silly. Then just as the clouds part to reveal a silver lining, I found the way, and we were heading in the right direction. Hallelujah! I pulled up outside Terminal C and phoned Cam. “I am on level three, at door three.” I said, a little defeated. “I am on the ground level, I will take the escalators up to you.” He said, relieved that it had not taken us all night to get there.

Maya and Elle had missed Cam so very much, the welcome back cuddle trio lasted a long time. The girls were like cubs clawing up Cam’s body to get a bear hug. The way Elle jumped into his arms and the way he savored her presence was everything. So much love. “Where have you been!” Elle said in a mock desperation voice, “You left us with her!” she added thinking she was funny (Elle actually loves me best). It was funny, but I was done, completely and totally spent, a motionless, emotionless observer. I sat in the passenger’s seat like a vintage mannequin with staring eyes. I had nothing to say. I couldn’t even make small talk with Cam about his trip. Cam reached down and picked up my hand, squeezing it gently with love, bringing me back to life. Ahhhh… Home comings can be so sweet, even one that involves getting lost and crying.

 

Note: This is a story of how I live my life, not advice. Anyone who feels they are unable to speak their truth, or suffers from serious anxiety should seek professional help.

Thank you for reading Magnesium Blue

Kirsten xo