Monday 28th, December, 2015

I woke up feeling a bit sore. I have been doing yoga and having bedroom dance session at night. I have rearranged my bedroom furniture so I can have my bed, yoga mat, and writing-table in a concise feng shui flow, and in making this furniture shift, there was more room for dancing. Last night I was really feeling it, IT is the light, in case you are wondering, and I had George Harrison My Sweet Lord blaring on repeat as I kicked and spun and volted about the space. I studied many different sorts of dance over the years, mastering none, but feeling them all passionately. Last night the dancing was very flamboyant and free. I was pushing my body off things, contact improve style, then when I woke up this morning my shoulders were aching. The thing is though, I don’t think it is entirely the expressive yoga dancing, it feels much rawer than muscle, it feels like nerve pain. When I was a kid I used to get sore shoulders from stress and my mother would massage my neck and shoulders regularly. I was a pretty stressed out kid at times, I would worry about things I could not change…

So here I am, almost 40 years old and yes, I still worry about things I can not change. I keep my Dalai Lama book Healing Anger, The Power of Patience from a Buddhist Perspective, by my bed, and even though I have not finished reading it yet, it has helped. Mostly though, I just like seeing the Dalai Lama’s smiling face on my bedside table. I like to imagine him talking, you know, the book cover comes to life, and the photo of the Dalai Lama is animated and he shares his wisdom with me. I suppose if I learnt his quotes off by heart, that would be great, then I could visualize him talking from the book cover AND actually hear his words. Either way, his energy transmits, and having his goodness in book form around makes me feel happy!

Before going to sleep last night I had also been looking through my art journal, in a mystical way, for hidden messages. I totally believe in tapping into the psyche through art, the unconscious id giving us signs and symbols and my art journal is full of all sorts of kooky things and so it is helpful to look back on the plans, ideas and overall intent that I have “doodled up” the past 18 months to give me some self perspective. It is all just rambles, and some loosely drawn paintings and such, but I just knew last night there was clarity to be found, so I was reading over words and imagery as one, as a whole energetic entity. I love reading images. Some people only read words, but images speak just as clearly. The language of pictures… anyway, so I shut my journal and thought to myself, “I am going to have a wonderful dream tonight, a powerful symbolic dream that is going to give me life guidance!” and I decided that when I woke up I would write about the dream in my art journal. Then I went to sleep.

I want to talk a little more about my studies yesterday though too, because it is the things that we fill our mind with prior to sleeping that influences our dream state. I love to study and when I am really into something or I have an idea, I get into it with great enthusiasm and I don’t want to do anything else. At the moment my focus is religion. I am studying them all. Not because I need one religion, but because I felt something in them all, So essentially, this is theology… Which yes, means we are having a theology homeschool block now!

Yesterday I was drinking in the goodness from the Hari Krishna. The Hari Krishna hold a special place in my heart from my childhood. There is happiness and color, music and dancing… I can still see the Murwillumbah Hari Krishna parading with their wonderful gigantic, larger than chariot down the main street of Byron. After watching three Hari Krishna documentaries I felt such good spirits, and this is no doubt why I ended up dancing to George Harrison. The Hari Krishna are very fun to dance with, their vibe is so positive. I have danced with them quite a few times now I think of it, and shared meals with them too, they really do cook the yummiest vegetarian food and their desserts are mouth watering.

So I woke up from a good sleep, after an evening of yoga, dance and Hari Krishna goodness, and I saw my art journal sitting on the floor, and I lay there for a moment, thinking about my sleeping dream. It takes me a moment to bring the bits together… then suddenly I am right there, in my mind, remembering the dream sequences. I had to laugh at this one, so much for “a powerful and symbolic dream that is going to give my life guidance…”

I was in a large room talking with a lot of men, who I did not recognize, and along with them were Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I was feeling right at home, but in a WOW this is so odd sort of way. “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! What? Kirsten, why on earth where you dreaming about Brad and Angelina?” I muttered to myself, burying my face back into the pillows. I lay there holding onto the key points of dream recollection. It is funny how we can tap into the feelings and emotions of a dream. Dreams and memories are like holding hands with an old friend, so little is different, yet things can not be the same as they were or could have been. I distinctly recall that Brad Pitt looked me in the eyes and I could tell that he thought I was a very gorgeous soul, and then after that he kissed me. Hee hee. I know, pretty funny. It was not an intimate kiss, it was like a congratulatory kiss. He held both of my shoulders in his hands and he grabbed me with a pull towards him, and planted a big crisp smacker on my lips and then he pushed me away with the same force against my shoulders to stand back and beam that great big joyful Brad Pitt smile. I was a little taken back, I was not expecting this at all. It felt like a hard work celebration kiss, nothing more. Anyway after that I was in a bit of shock and thought I should just go and tell Angelina that Brad kissed me, to keep things honest of course, you know, we were friends in the dream, but kissing Brad felt funny because I am not one to let a married man kiss me, even if it was just innocent, I felt I should casually mention it to her. Angelina was in the bathroom and I walked in on her doing a wee. I felt a bit embarrassed and there was an awkward moment because of her doing a wee in front of me and all, and me telling her that Brad had just kissed me. It was a little too much all at once. I was a intimidated so I just excused myself and shut the bathroom door.

Ha! That is all I remember. I was off in LA LA land last night, hanging out with the Jolie-Pitts. Thanks for that my daring darling subconscious, nothing like a cosmic traveling adventure that involves rich and famous philanthropists. But you know, it was perfect that is was them because I think they are good humanitarians, and cool parents, and good people. I liked seeing them in my subconscious.

Ok so back to waking life… it is morning and I get up and I skip the yoga and meditation and get straight into writing. I had seen a post on instagram that sparked a flame. There was something I was angry about. I know, the anger, the anger… so I looked to the Dalai Lama healing anger book and with his kind face he reminded me to be happy and wise, but the spark was still their. It is kind of like I don’t know any other way, than anger. I literally feel this electric burning energy inside, it is bright and fierce and if I could visualize myself, I would be in a catsuit, everything is blue-black, and I am back-lit, so you can see this white blue light aura coming off my blue-black body. Then I scream, you know, incredible hulk style or whoever it is that metamorphs from intense anger, and then I don’t know what happens next… oh yes, then I remember I don’t want to be angry.

It ties in very nicely with my studies last night too… Both Lord Shiva and Lord Krishna are often depicted in the color blue. In scriptures of Hinduism blue is symbolic, the blue color of deities signifies the presence of Vish, which is poison, in the body of an enlightened one – like Lord Krishna. For one to reach the stage of an avatar (God manifested in human form), one needs manifesting cosmic powers so that the entire residual sufferings of mankind, which is nothing more than pure poison, are absorbed. This Vish (poison) is retained by an enlightened one in the throat, which is perfect because that is where we communicate from, then the entire body of an enlightened one turns blue. An enlightened one has to swallow Vish (poison) in service of mankind. The presence of Vish (poison) indicates the level of sufferings indulged by enlightened ones before reaching the stage of enlightenment. In reality no body turns blue, it is just symbolic to express the hard struggle a seeker makes to reach stage of enlightenment.

I am still angry though, and I know it is the Vish, but I am weak and I decide to write a post on instagram and basically regurgitate anger, “In a positive way though” you know, to share the plight instead of swallowing it. I choose a photo from my archives, and I spend all this time trying to write to post within that darn word count quota and just as I get it to fit. Elle wakes up and comes into my room, and I am a very affectionate mother, so I cuddle and kiss her and say good morning and ask her if she remembered her dreams, and then in a fast forward speed blink, I remember “I am about to post something very important on instagram” and I shift her off my lap abruptly and quickly and I say “I just need to post this, I am almost done, just wait a minute!” and she stands there shaking her head at me, saying “No! More cuddles!” and then, THEN my phone battery goes flat, and the brilliant angry but positive post I had just spent SOOOO much time making fit into the word count disappears, and it was all so agonizing, and I become the suffering artist crying “Nooooo, my words, they are gone, they are all gone!” into the dead phone abyss.

Now, the real test begins…

Looking down, I held the blank screen in my hand. I stood there motionless externally, but internally something dark was swirling around. I could hear my inner voice saying “It is not Elle’s fault, it is not Elle’s fault, don’t blame her that your phone just went flat, because her cuddle intercepted the 15 seconds of battery life remaining.” I could feel it in my gut, you know, this thing, this vile poison of life where you want to hold someone else accountable for ALL things not happening in life as you want them to, but at that moment instead of reacting, I caught myself, I saved myself and I saved her too really. I sat down on my bed with a defeated slump over loosing all of my precious words, that were going to make me feel powerful, make me feel like someone who was, “Making change happen!” I looked at Elle and in a very dull voice I said, “I felt like blaming you then, I felt like getting angry at you because I did not get to post my words before my battery went flat.” Elle looked at me a little concerned which way this might go. I have however been blessed with an angel, her sweet face full of love. The LOVE for her welled up so greatly and all my inner sense told me, “Each interaction and reaction we have in life is for a reason” so I honored her and I honored the love we have and I said to her, “Well, it does not matter anyway, it was not meant to be, and maybe Elle, maybe your cuddles just actually saved us.” I said to her pulling her onto my lap to feel safe. I swallowed that Vish, and I don’t have blue skin, but you all know, I am as blue as blue can be.

Notes:

This might leave you wondering what words it were that were so important to me that I would feel such intensity over loosing them, but you see, it was not really the words even, it was what the words represented, it was my efforts to be connected to a different reality, my need to “Break through!”

I will save that for the next post…

Thank you for reading Magnesium Blue.

Words By Kirsten Rickert, all rights reserved. Artwork source unknown.