I have long had a dream of writing a book, perhaps writing many books… and for the longest time the book I thought I was going to write was called Magnesium Blue. This name came to me one day when I was living in Alaska. It was a wonderful free time of my life when I was traveling the world alone, being a rolling stone if you would like to imagine it that way, just confident and beautiful, curious and perhaps a little confused, following my nose. At that point I already thought I was a writer, and I would spend many hours of the day journaling. Back then I used to carry a blank page book around and a pencil and I would sit in coffee shops, cafes, and restaurants, by myself, liking the company of my own words.

Magnesium Blue was an “Ah ha!” moment, where something just struck me as right, a bright moment of living life where I put one and one together to make two, and it made sense, even when I really did not know why, but I knew it was me.

The name came about with help from a friend. Colin and I had been living together for a little while. I really can’t remember how long, but we had been lovers before we were housemates and while we were not lovers anymore, having been lovers made it very easy for me to be Colin’s muse. Colin was a painter, and we had met each other through working at Van Winlkes restaurant in Sitka, Alaksa. What I liked about Colin was that he was very gentle and creative, and even though he had no money and very little paint, he painted anyway. I liked painting too, and we liked to hang out and paint together, but then I ended up being Colin’s subject. I am not sure how it happened really, I suppose Colin must have wanted to paint a nude, and so I stripped off my shirt and lay on my bed so he could paint breasts. I am not sure why I left my pants on, perhaps I was cold, but there I lay, topless in the streaming sunshine. The light was so bright,  I placed my arm over my face.

When I met Colin, he had a small exhibition in a local cofee shop, where he had painted a series based on Bob Marely on the back of cereals boxes and such. At some Colin had moved on from painting on cardboard boxes and had started to build himself canvas frames. On this day, he was working on the largest canvas I had seen him work on. His style was very fluid, and so he worked very quickly and after about an hour he was done. When I stood up to look at the canvas, there I was as a painting, laying in the sunlight, looking completely blue. Everything was blue, my skin was blue, my hair was blue, the bed was blue, and it was beautiful. Colin had helped me see myself. I was so blue.

“Oh, it is marvelous Colin, I love it!” I exclaimed, just so excited to have a painting to hang above my bed. I picked up the canvas and just like that I said, “It is called Magnesium Blue, and it is going to be the cover of my book!” I am not sure exactly how these words popped into my mind, other than the obvious, the painting was blue, but the magnesium part… I really do not even know where I grabbed that from? It was like it was just a word in the sky, a bright shiny word, that was strong, and intense and burned brightly, and it was just there in the space for me. Now as I said I was already a writer, so seeds had already been planted and this painting was suddenly the most wonderful addition to my dreams!

“Oh Colin, it is perfect, that is it, that’s the name of my book, and this is the cover!”

{ Insert photo of the painting }

So then and there it was… with Colin’s desire to be a painter, and my desire to be a writer, I found Magnesium Blue. I had always been both of these things, something that burns very bright, but feels that sense of blue…

I am not sure where the time went, but that was almost 20 years ago now. I am still that same passionate woman with that same intensity and that same feeling of blue, wishing to write that book, although I am not really that same poetic dreamy young artist anymore. Jut like that, one day things became clear, I am not really a book author, I am a mother.

Before I had the dream of being a writer, I had the dream to be a mother. My dream of being a mother was a big one, and truly, I am a mother (who wanted to be a mother) inside a mother (who wanted to be a mother) inside a mother (who wanted to be a mother), it is an eternal feeling, and really that was what I was born to do. I knew what sort of mother I wanted to be, someone who was always there, always available. A mother that new herself, felt safe and content and humble. A mother, that was only a mother.

To be that person, living my dream life as a mother, I really can not write a book. I tried, oh yes I tried, but while I have children to raise, if I want to raise them to be the very best person they can be, it can only come about if I am being the very best person I can be, and for me, that means I have to set my other dream of writing a book aside and just love them. Some people think they can do two things at once, but for me you see, I can’t. My motherhood dreams were so big, that really they must take up my whole life.

A mother like me can of course can have other interests, and so while I can not write a book and be the mother I have to be, I know that I still can have the hobby of writing, because writing, and writing a book are two different things. So with the goal to just be a mother who likes to write, I shall write about life and motherhood, and since there is nothing in the world that shines brighter, or could make you more blue… it makes sense, that this is what I need to share with you, and that form now on you all know I am Kirsten Rickert, the mother who writes, Magnesium Blue, which isn’t a book, it is just me talking and sharing like we are friends, because that is what mother’s do.

Notes:

This video is not the visual and sound quality I wish it were, but it illustrates a feeling… and it is a start, and truly I am so lucky I could even make this video. Be sure to watch to the very end… maybe I still am that dream poetic artist…

Thank you for reading Magnesium Blue

Artwork and Text By Kirsten Rickert, all rights reserved.